grrrrr

why is it i buy a candy bar i don’t need then devour it and i can’t even remember the taste! isn’t the taste the reason for it? in truth the impulse is… sadly … and now i am left with empty madness and self loathing AND wanting another to taste. Blah!!

Even though i have a lot to post i need to be in a better mind place to share… so i am hoping that will be later or tomorrow… i do want to start blogging again regularly… get on a motivation train! i need it bad for sure in the mean time i wanted to share this moment as a reminder of my disordered eating!

28 day challenge

I know yesterday's post I was down about reading so many blogs of successful healthy eating folks. But today I have a praise and I hope it serves as a reminder to why I do love those blogs so much. One that is my favorite is http://amerrylife.com/ She is realistic and struggling and not some perfect model shape. She has bad days and good and she shares them all. I love that freshness and honesty. She was given a program called rebel fitness to critique (lucky girl got it for free I am jealous lol) you can go to her website right now for the review. She was fair with pros and cons. It was enough to get me curious. The blog for rebel fitness is here http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/ (man I miss live writer :( ho hum) and I haven't had a chance to look at it a ton... I did join the community which is free because the blog post encourged me to join a 28 day challenge. This is perfect I need a challenge for sure. What was super neat about it is he asks for two to be health challenges and one to be lifestyle. So mine are...

1) to drink 8 glasses of water a day
2) excercise 5 out of 7 days a week
3) purge my house of un-needed items

So far I have already started the third one strong as I have some books to take to the local re-sell shop!

Now to a quick update on yesterday and how I did.... for my weekly goal of excercise -- epic fail as I did not make it. Not to use an excuse but honestly I tried all afternoon to get the test to load I mentioned. I finally had to do it when I got home last night after midnight. Thankfully the online schools website is two hours behind me! Now I am just worried a D is not passing (Yeah not proud but considering it was math and I had computer issues I am ok with it as long as the school does find it passing. I think they do but I am waiting for confirmation) My GPA is strong so I will still graduate with an A average. Yea me! :D I digress. I did not make it but I will today after dinner. I promised myself. The fluid front was a solid B as I did not have any sugary drinks but didn't get all fluids as actual water. Only half. And the weighing so far is an A as I have done it three days in a row and it is working as a reminder of what I need to do for sure! I was terrified to look at the scale today I had myself almost talked out of it but decided I can't keep being an ostrich. SO I did it and it went a smidgen down and I wasn't naked this am :D SO I am happy I did it. Today I am trying some intuitive eating but so far once I hit 10:30 i have been hungry the whole time. I need to get my stomach/brain re-conditioned to really knowing my hunger triggers. That might take research and for sure time. I might make that a next week goal. :D

Q. What would your 28 day challenges be?

I am doing this

So I weighed myself this am because I am committed to my goals (I was going to say trying to be commited but I am also trying to remove the word try out of my vocubulary... you either do or don't right?) It was not pretty as it went up. I am hoping my tom starts pronto so I can see a downward movement. But my goals are still doable so I am good. :D

I plan on going to the gym after my test for my final bachlor's class (and one less stress as long as I pass) and a yummy labor day fest :D I work tonight which is a sore spot as I want to snack by the end of the night and I work until midnight so there is about two hours at the end I don't do much as the youth (I am a therapist rehabbing youth who are in state custody due to drugs or sexual offenses, truancy etc) go to bed usually by ten.

So the question of the day is if anyone has suggestions on how to avoid late night cravings!

UGH ...

I don't even want to tell you what the scale read. First I was never going to let myself see 200 lbs again and now i have somehow allowed it to say 209.6! I have to stop. I can't keep going up. My lose clothes are getting tight and I want to be proud of myself. But it is so damn hard to get my mind straight. I switched to zoloft and I felt it was working but then I hit the PMS wall and found myself mindless not thinking eating!

I do feel I am an OCD eater. But I also wonder if I am trying to find some excuse for me to be food obsessed. Two days ago I was stuck on this thought that I said no to some trail mix a co-worker offered and I was freaking out why didn't I eat it! WHAT THE HELL!! How bizarre is that but I do that often. I have this feeling if I don't eat it I will never get to eat it and it scares me or some emotion close to that. Maybe more like makes me paranoid. Weird Weird Weird!

And I am way stressed about work, school, money, family. You name it right now I have it. I scour blogs trying to find some solution but all I see is people succeeding and me not. People without children and a husband or BF who doesn't mind eating healthier. It just depresses me more.

So this morning I am stopping the cycle. I am keeping the number in my mind and setting goals. Maybe clear goals will help me. So this week I will
1. Weight myself every day. I know people say not too but for me it forces me to stay on task and not forget my desires to be healthier.
2. Drink 10 oz of water/fluids a day. This will include no soda or sugary drinks.
3. Go to the gym 5 days this week.

I want to have more goals but I don't want to over do it. Setting these goals makes me feel confident that I can be successful. :D I feel so elated I decided to blog today :D

Q. Do any of you feel better when you blog and get these worries off your chest?

Dying to be thin…

Sorry I haven’t been blogging much I have not been eating right. I am finally feeling like I can get back to figuring out how to stop my compusive eating. I have been on Zoloft for two days which I researched and I think it should help and has been. It is for OCD and depression and Anxiety all three that I have. So to get back in the grove I have joined a book club for Geneen Roth’s Women Food and God. I finished my last Geenen Roth book which I hope to share my thoughts on in the future.

I currently follow several health blogs (It is comforting I am not alone) and one blog i have found interesting is this one. Christie Inge, HHC does intuitive eating to stop her compulsive eating. It is fascinating and she is an inspiration. Please join the book club she is only on the first chapter so still time to join. This below is my post in the book club forum.

*********************************************************

I had a near death experience when my gastric bypass went wrong. Here I was dying to be thin literally. After years as a teen and twenties praying to be instantly skinny and I promised i would then take care of my body and maintain my skinny exterior I could do it just if he would poof me into perfection. It never happened and when I was almost 400 lbs with three young children I was too embarrassed to take to walmart or leave my house and a husband who told me my belly was in the way to be intimate (he was not rude about it and married me as a chubby 280 lb women so it wasn't an attraction issue) I had reached rock bottom. It seemed God had opened up the chance to get this surgery within two months I was on the table when most people wait months/years. the first surgery went find then I had a complication and my bowel kinked and my new stomach opened. They didn't know about the bowel so an emergency one hour surgery took four and I woke up with a unsteady heart rate and high temp. I was in ICU for two weeks. I finally recovered slowly and didn’t eat for a month that first month I lost 50 lbs.Feeding yourself through a stomach feeding tube one would think would make you so done with food. Sadly our mind forgets things very easily or stuffs it in the back to hide it. I have a lot of issues to work out still with my guilt on an elective surgery that almost took me from my kids. The stereotype of fat is lazy, unmotivated, selfish and I felt all those why did I have to be so lazy. I have since lost 170 plus lbs and feel amazing even though I not a size 8  at two years. after the honeymoon phase was over from the surgery my son got a brain tumor and the emotional eating started again. I am just now a year after that trying to work through and get myself back on track. I just finished Geenen's Food is love (I think that is the title) and it made great sense to me. A ton of things i highlighted and now I am onto this one (just in time for the book club). I want to make the changes and be a success I now realize I have to deal with the emotions in my mind to do that. So the point of this babble is I do believe in God and I think he saved me in many ways but I am still praying for a "cure" to have the mind of a naturally thing non compulsive eater women. I am not sure this prayer can ever be answered.

Q. Have you have prayed for some kind of miracle you knew was impossible?

Bluck

I am so beyond disgusted with myself! I am scared to get on the scale. I know by the way my clothes feel it isn’t good. I am trying very hard not to beat myself up. BUT IT IS HARD! I know I can do better and I know I WANT better. I just have to figure it out. I have still been reading healthy food blogs and they are inspirational. Sadly a couple of them are people with anorexia past problems (which I believe all food issues are inter-related and similar) how they are coping and I sadly think I wish I had their problem. My mind thinks it is better to starve yourself to death in society then be fat. The logic part of my brain thinks how dumb that is and I normally agree in general BUT I when I allow myself a pity party when reading these blogs (which I do think are inspirational) I am jealous of their issues.

I just ate a decent meal then bloated myself on watermelon and I sit here typing this feeling like the watermelon will come up my espohogus because I ate so much!!  F**k F**k F**K! So mad at myself.

Interesting insight that I am not sure what to do with as the fat me wants to ignore it. (I need to find a way to shut her up as she is very loud!) I had my blood work which meant I had to fast (for low blood sugar not diabetes – just it’s twin cousin) and work the overnight so from 7 pm to 9:15 am the next morning i didn’t eat. Overnights at work are usually boring and time can drag as we just watch the youth sleep. I took a full inventory of my work facilities pantry and prepped tomorrow’s meals. I am not sure if I shared this but I work for a youth home for boys 12-17. We have a cook but she has been on leave due to medical issues so the social workers (me being one of them) have been having to do the cooking. I enjoy it but a lot do not. So for the meals I made jello, tator tot casserole and apple crisp. I am amazed to say I only temporarily felt tempted to eat. But the want to have blood tests that were accurate was more important. Why can’t I do that all the time!!?? Why can’t I find the motivation all the time? So tonight I am going to try and figure it out. Last night went fast due to being busy tonight (thankfully I just have two in a row this week) I am not so sure it will be that easy. I have less to do.

anyway I wanted to touch base for my sake really and write down where I am right now plotting on changing and finding it hard to make the first step.

Totally MIA!

And I promised myself not go MIA on this blog. Alas a horrible flu totally sidelined me. Amazingly I have lost about ten pounds. It helped me to not eat as much at a setting. SO I feel my stomach shrunk. WIN! :D

though I am not following the BFL eating I am so surprised I WANT to eat like that. I think my cells like it. If that makes sense.  In fact today is the first day I have felt pretty darn good except for a periodic cough. Amazingly as i sit here I want to go to the gym and I think I will. I will regret not I think. Another thing that has sidetracked me is I started a new full time job and I wasn’t sure how the lunches and schedule goes there. It is weird as you don’t get a step away from work lunch. (It is a supervised boys home) And you can eat the food prepared there for free. The issue sit he food it more cheap then healthy. So I have only been there two days so I am trying to decide how to handle the food and the times. It is not required to eat but it so convenient!

I am still so amaze my body is craving exercise. How awesome is that! :D The Saturday before I got sick I ran across this book for only 8.00 and had to get it!

It has a different cover so might be an older version but the info I am sure is the same as the program needs no perfecting. I was so excited to find it locally AND for the price! I then called called to the hospital to be an advocate for a domestic violence victim. I firmly believe this is where I got that stupid flu! That and I jinxed myself thinking a few days before… gee I haven’t been sick in awhile.!  Duh never do that!  I am thankful though I got it before starting my new job. You can’t take days off with a new job for sure!

Another awesoem thing happened today that should help me get back on track. I won the book

In a random comment drawing on Janeatha's Blog I won this book.  Here was my comment and what she said about it. So cute and funny!

**********************************************************“this is too crazy. i looked at #122.. and look what her comment said! meant to be? i think so.”

Anyway kind of funny fate stuff. I really felt i was going to win the book and thankfully she didn’t make you do a lot of hoops to win it. I always appreciate people taking time to reward followers but it gets ridiculous for simple stuff when you get a point for following then one for commenting then following facebook. Anyway it has to be really worth it for me to do it. Sorry to be negative but I had to do a mini vent there lol Can’t wait to get this book for reals! :D

Oh and this is just a side note. My hubby and me watched Crazy Heart this morning. It is an awesome movie with a very realistic ending which made it even better BUT I do prefer the happiest of endings but the movie isn’t a romantic comedy so the ending was perfect. Sorry if vague but if you see it—it will make more sense. :D

Question of the day… What was the last awesome movie you watched?

Go Away You stinking Funk!

SO I am off the wagon and the only thing saving me is I don't have a lot of cruddy food in the house. BUt I want it! I know I will fail over and over again. But I didn't even go a week! I can make a ton of excuses... bad timing (financial stress, work stress, TOM) but there is always timing issues. So I have decided this is my last day and I am going to commit to the BFL thing. 12 weeks that is all. And I am going to use this epic fail to learn something. I read a little more of the When Food is Love book. Here are some quotes that really hit home.

Page three of introduction, "Eating is a metaphor for the way we live; it is also a metaphor for the way we love. Excessive fantasizing, creating drama, the need to be in control, and wanting what is forbidden are behaviors that block us from finding joy in food or relationships. And some of the same guidlines that enable us to break free from compulsive behavior -- leraning to stay in the present, beginning to value ourselves now, giving the huntry child wihinus a voice trusting our physical and emotional hungers, and teaching ourselves to receive pleasure -- enable us to be intimate with another person."

Page four of introduction, "Diets don't work because food and weight are the syptoms not the problems." This is a money shot as so true. Isn't it sad how we know these things but it takes some third party person/book to make it hit home!

It then says. "The focus on weight provides a convenient and culturally reinforced distraction from the reasons why so many people use food when they are not hungry. These reasons are more complex than -- and will never be solved with -- willpower, counting calories, and excercise. They have to do with neglect, lack of trust, lack of love, sexual abuse, physical abuse, unexpressed rage, grief, being the object of discrimination protenction from getting hurt again. People abuse themselves with food because they dont' know they deserve better!" This sentence in red is another money shot and so true to me. I tell my friends who come to me for advice -- don't you want better! -- now why can't I do this for myself? Why is it always easier to defend and stick up for other people we care for and love but NOT ourselves???

Just a couple more as I haven't gotten that far in the book. Here is another sentence that feels so true from chapter 1 page 15. "Compulsion is despair on an emotional level." I get this and it clicks. I am an emtional eater because I despair and I feel this will fill that void BUT IT NEVER DOES! so the despair goes on.

So one more Money shot sentence for today on page 19 of chapter 1. "Compulsive behavior, at its most fundamental, is a lack of self-love; it is an expression of a belief that we are not good enough." Wow... this is all so true but now the struggle is to take it in and improve myself on it. I can say i get it and it clicks but I have to absorb it!

The thing I realized this morning after a rough night of dreams of someone in my past is I am lonely. I am either compulsively thinking of food or a situation from the past that I can't control and the continued guilt I feel from it. I know this is vague but this does go out over the airwaves so I have to be vague. BUt I also think everyone has these situations. And they haunt us. It makes me realize that even in a house full of people who do love me. I am lonely. I grew up lonely and I learned at a young age to think of myself as always lonely. How do I overcome this lonliness that is eating me alive on the inside and making me show it on the outside with my unhealthy eating habits? So I will leave it at that and let that be my question of the day.

UGH

Alright it is almost noon and I have told myself I have to post. I have promised myself to post everyday to keep accountable. I moved to where I live over a year ago but have not made that many friends and not friends who need to lose weight and can help me be accountable. SO blogland is it for me which really I am ok wtih my DH doesn't understand but then he is 13 years older then me :D I do feel a connection out there even if I have no followers right now. Again I am ok with this as I don't feel I need to prove anything and can be candid when it is just me. So I am still failing though not epically. It was just downhill last night with these nuts I bought at the festival this weekend. WHy do I sabatoge myself and those stupid things weren't cheap. Why I had to buy the largest size is beyond me and then lie to myself I will only eat them on my free day!

I am a total liar! GRRRR

So I am plugging in another day of a generic calorie count of 2000 calories. THe other issue is I am emotionally eating. I have to keep track of my TOM (Time of the Month) because this is totally a trigger for me to binge/emotionally eat. I am putting stupid stress on myself I don't need and I need to read that Geneen Roth book! But it goes back to being scared. But i am not giving up. This is just a bump in the road and I am going to do better. ONe day I will be closer to getting this and if I never do I have to accept trying to get it is acceptable. Does that make sense? So I allowed my misery (and really just being a drama queen though I do have some real issues going on mainly financial) to enable me to make bad choices. I am going to make myself read that book today and take a step closer to figureing out how I tick and make adjustments accordingly.

Does anyone else out there have these issues and if so how do you deal with TOM?

Epic Fail – day 7

My day was off from the beginning. Sundays is usually pancake breakfast for the boys (I have three nine, seven, and three). I had decided not to take part in it as it doesn’t fit into my BFL eating. I didn’t feel like researching a high protein pancake. The problem was we were out of instant pancake list so I got out our betty crocker cook book and the only thing easy in it was waffles. Man it was easy and they looked good so I decided I would have half of one (as the calories on it wasn’t too bad) and would use my protein powder to make a cream for syrup and a banana.    

The upper left is the batter itself. The left is the protein shake with a little bit of soy milk, cinnamon, and vanilla. I think I should have left out the extra vanilla as the jay robb protein is tasty without the extra.  Doesn't that waffle look yummy. And it really was!

This was also eaten later then 7 (which is if I stay on schedule I should eat first) it was closer to 8 or a little after. So when ten rolled around I felt I should save my calories since I had just eaten fairly recently. I think this is where it all started going down hill.  I felt hungry sooner then my next eating time (after the usual 10 I skipped 12-1230 is next) so I had some tuna pickles and cherry tomatoes.

And then after going to the grocery store I felt hungry sooner then my usual time again.  See a pattern here! grrr. So I ate again. Then we had a dinner planned at my parents house. I made a tex mex lasagna and everyone loved it. I loved it also but had way to big of a piece. The next issue was there is something about my parents house that makes me want to eat junk. I swear everything that lives in there gets fat. The people and the animals. My mom isn’t plump by any means but she does struggle from time to time. She is a thin emotional eater but she has better genetics then me I think.  I take after my Dad I think genetically. So I had a PB bar then a sugar free pop (which is sodium and didn’t even taste good) then came home and had some candied nuts and chips. It was like an emotional downward spiral. And of course I didn’t feel like exercising plus I mismanaged time all day and procrastinate on school work that had to be done. *&#$@!$ I was and am not a happy camper. Plus the scale this morning reflected the salt and lack of water intake this am. But I know see the errors I made and all I can do is take them in mind for the future and move on and try again. I am an emotional food addict. Three days of being on track does not mean I am cured! I can never get cocky.

Has there been times when you thought you had overcome something emotionally just to find out you hadn’t?

Day six

So far so good :D  My stats for yesterday were…

Cals 1604

Fat 36 g

Sodium 2412 mg

Carbs 205 g

Sugars 110 g

Fiber 31 g

Protein 98 g

The calories are 22 over what I have planned as allowable BUT I did burn approx. 183 calories with a vigorous weightlifting session.  That now has my arms very sore!  I finally read the rules/tips for body for life challenge.  And it states you should do one day high intensity cardio and the next high intensity weights.  And you should do different muscles groups for each work out day.  Then take one day off all together.  So yesterday I did arms.  It says to do a rep of 12 go higher weight then 10 reps higher weight do 8 reps then more weight 6 reps then lower weight and do 12 again then follow up that 12 quickly with different weight style but using the same muscle group.  that is called a superset.  Right now I have a lot of time (I work part time) to do lengthy workouts but soon I am starting a full time job with varying hours so I am pretty sure to stay on track I will need short set workouts.  And just concentrating on one muscle group is perfect. 

I was under the 1587 mark but late in the night I was watching The Proposal and I was craving a Chai and it is 120 calories.  So it was totally worth it – well in a way the part of my mind that wants to be super skinny and successful is nagging me I should have said no BUT the rational me that thinks it is silly I am not using the calories I probably should – says I shouldn’t worry and I am still on the right path.  You need to enjoy life a little bit.  So it is kind of a ying yang thing.  :D

Lastly, I tried the Kombucha.  Thankfully I am not a fan.  It is too wine tasting without the sweetness.  And it didn’t invigorate me.  I still took a nap… but I am not sure if that was my body still feeling blah from all the calories the day before.  At this point hard telling.  I have another one and I will try it a different day.  Plus it is carbonated and I have to take it easy with carbonation. 

I leave you with this question.  What do you obsess about that is a ying yang thing?

ps I didn’t realize it as I really wanted the camera but it turns out I got a blue one.  So I super LOVE it now!!  :D

Awesome day

and my first free day.  Physically and emotionally I learned a lot!  I just felt blah today in general but I still feel great in general which I think is the three days before that I ate great.  But I could tell the add sugar and carbs my body hates.  It made me either very energized (fast talking/babbling and racing thoughts) or slow and lethargic (feeling actually tired and needing an nap – haven’t even thought of a nap all week which is a huge difference for me and sometimes it seemed I talked slow.  I think it was due to my blood sugar).  It made me finally see the light… it’s like I get it my body doesn’t even WANT those foods.  Just my mind.  In fact I had to force my mind to tell it to choose some of the food I ate today.  I told myself I promised me I would but now I realize how foolish that is.  I think I was seeing my free day as an all you can eat day but really it isn’t or shouldn’t be.  And I just don’t like feeling this blah.  So I am going to rethink my free rules. 

It was an awesome day as we took a family mini trip to the next larger town from us (It is an hour and half away) that has more then a walmart.   I bought some Kombucha that my new favorite blogger recommended but I didn’t realize it was so pricey.  I bought two because I am curious BUT I am thinking I should be very happy there is not a store close to me due to the price.  I will give a review tomorrow.

Also while there I picked up a box of Clif Builders (at sam’s club) as it was a great price and though they weren’t the chocolate mint I had the other day I figured they would still taste awesome.  And though this blog is my health diary and I plan on making it only that I wanted to say how excited I was to get a deal on a new camera.  I have a nice one but it it too bulky to carry around and I wanted to be able to take pictures easier for the blog. 

And this is not a brag but a I LOVE a great deal after savings and my coupon it was only 44.00 with tax!!  Crazy!  I am excited to use it.  I wanted it in another color but at staples it was sold out online (I think this is the old model) and it was the last one at the store so I feel lucky to have even gotten at all. 

Another reason today was awesome is we went and say this movie

It is now my favorite animated movie.  It use to be The Incredibles at the top then Aladdian (It was my favorite as a child) then Shrek original.  The story is old hat and predictable but for some reason the way it was told it felt new and heartfelt.  And I have a thing for dragons so that helped.  Night Fury (the type of dragon in the picture above) is my favorite.  Go check it out!  But don’t be cheap like us and see the 2d.  We should have spent the money and seen it in 3d.  My hubby and I have decided we will need to conform and bite the bullet for the next movie we see that offers 3D.  It just chaps me that they charge so much more but I guess it is extra work so what are you going to do? (ok off soapbox lol)

Lastly, I want to share another blog that I read today that had a guest interview.  The interviewee was asked ….

“Me: Yeah. I think really believing you can do it is key. Gaining lost weight back is pretty common. Do you ever fear slipping back into your old ways of eating/living?
Bo: No. There is nothing out there to eat that is better than weighing what you want to.”

Oh snap!  When I read that today it sent chills up my arms.  It totally truck a raw nerve and was an ah ha moment.  This is the perfect perspective and I hope to keep Bo’s sentiment fresh in my mind every day.  Please check the blog for the full interview (Bo lost a 100 pounds) and the blog in general.  Keelie is very inspirational.  And the pictures of her journey are phenomenal.  I hope to be able to show those kinds of results very soon.

Tomorrow should be another awesome family fun filled day (the annual festival is this weekend).  I noticed they are having a 5k which I have always wanted to do but I am not there yet.  I do have a new goal though.  To be in shape enough to be actual competition next year.  Gotta love goals!  :D

Do any of you have a current fitness goal or do you remember the first time you did and the victory you felt?

What is your favorite animated movie?

Pure Embarrassment!

Day four: My Stats were                                                                                   Cals  1443                                                                                                                  Fat   43 g                                                                                                               Sodium 2801 mg                                                                                                  Carbs166g                                                                                                                   Sugars 79 g                                                                                                          Fiber 23g                                                                                                                    Protein 94 g

I only did a half hour of weightlifting focusing more on my legs today.  Per livestrong.com I burned 137 calories .  I started to do a high intensity interval cardio on the treadmill at the gym.  I was going pretty fast for me and my pants started to fall down.  I was barely in a minute or two.  So here I was trying to run fast, not fall and majorly hurt myself, and keep my pants up.  I then thought my pants aren’t falling down but my underwear I can live with that.  I thought the top band was tighter then the hips area of the pants.  So I kept telling myself (mind you these was all seconds) to ignore the sensation as it has to be my underwear only.  But then the other part of my brain was saying “Don’t be a fool!!  Your pants are falling”  Well that part was so right.  My pants feel down and I was starting to expose my ugly low hanging belly and my dimply rear for the cameras at the very least but who knows who else I was too scared to look back and see who might have been laughing at me!  I went until five minutes and just couldn’t handle the thought anymore.  I just needed to call it a day.  I don’t think I am mortified but I am embarrassed enough that I just couldn’t focus.  bluck and at the same time lmfao!

So three days down where I feel proud and on track.  I even wanted Doritos last night and I said no to myself and stuck to it.  I still want some now.  I was my favorite late night snack.  I usually crave salt at night instead of sweet which is my usual any other time crave.  It makes me wonder the psychological side of that.  Hmmmm… I might have to research that. 

Tomorrow is my free day.  I already have a few things planned for fun.  On the first two days I kept dreaming and fantasizing about what all I was going to eat on my free day.  But today… maybe realizing it was so close and I didn’t have to wait long… it was easier and I keep telling myself.  “Really do I need all that crammed into one day!”  Who has the time and really if I am not wanting or craving why go out of my way to make myself eat/drink it.  I do know for breakfast I am having a mcd’s sausage mcmuffin and a carmal frappe.  At first I daydreamed of my lunch but I am going to take a fairly light lunch.  Those awesome doritos I ahve been wanting at night with some salsa and a light pretzel pread sandwich.  yummmm!  I can’t wait.  :D

Day Three

So here is my food break down for the day.

Calories 1858

Fat 69 g

Sodium 2847 mg

Carbs 210 g

Sugars 109 g

Fiber 33 g

Protein 125 g

My work out for burned calories are just a guestimate and I try to be conservative so I am sure it really is more was…

Weight Lifting - free weights or machine, moderate  --                       upper body and abdominals 

30 minutes   137 calories                                                                        Treadmill -- twenty minutes at different inclines up to 18% and a base speed of 3.8   215 calories                                                 

Stair climbing  -- 10 minutes going backwards & 10 minutes frontwards going to level 10 (not sure the level thing)                     137 calories

Totals 489

So that adds an extra 489 calories that can be consumed.  I am wanting to stay at or below 1582 a day (this is the number picked by the website I am using to keep track of calories) I did go over the 1582 today but I actually have 213 left if I wanted with the exercise.  I don’t want to use up the exercise calories every day but if I do once or twice a week I am fine with that.  I am trying to find a happy medium so this eating style doesn’t seem so hopeless or restrictive. 

I have a real problem saying no to food especially in public places.  Today my middle son (I have three boys and no girls) had a school function and they had cookies and this chocolate/PB chex mix goodness.  I had a cookie and a handful of the chex mix and in hindsight I could have forgone it all.  It really didn’t taste all that heavenly.  But I had real problems saying completely no too.  And I tried that is the sad part.  I need to read some more of that book to figure out why or how to control it.  Plenty of people could have looked at that food and just said no thank you!  but not me.  :(  Grrrr!  But it was just a small thing in the big picture so more for reflection then being critical.  And I do want some flexibility BUT where is the line in all that.  I really need to figure that all out. 

End of day two

And it went much better. I decided to track my calories, carbs, protein and such. Here is the stats:

Calories 1445

Fat 37g

Sodium 2745g (they had this as being a problem as I went over per the website but I don’t know what to do to help it besides everything homemade and well it just can’t happen right now)

Carbs 159g

sugars 73g (also high per the website and not sure how to help that.

fiber 22g

protein 126g (definitely high protein diet which I want but there is something as too much protein??)

Right now I am having a cappuccino shake with Jay Rob protein

This protein is the flippin best EVER and I have tried all kinds. I drink it with soy milk as protein and water I can’t do. But light soy milk is only 50 calories for 8oz awesome and I think it has more health value then cow’s milk… though I am not against cows milk as I can’t do it in my latte’s I make. But I figure if I can cut calories I might as well.

I also had one of these today and it was AMAZING and 20 grams protein so bonus.

This one was chocolate mint which I Love that flavor. I am so getting more of these!

And the other item I had that I was skeptical of and ended up loving was this…

I had the herb and garlic and my local walmart also has hickory smoked and sweet, tomato pesto, and hickory smoked. I plan on getting more when I go back this weekend. I even want to get some low carb tortillas for wraps those would be AWESOME!

Fitness wise I did 45 minutes of weight lighting doing (what I think was) supersets. I would do them in groups of two like two arms and would alternate 12 reps each. Then take a mini break to drink water and wipe machine. Then I did 20 minutes cardio 3.8 for a bit with 18% incline. I didn’t do it as long as usual just to a third of a mile and usually I do half a mile at that pace incline but sometimes you have to give yourself a break. :D

So a great day :D the issue I am having is I keep obsessing over what I am going to have my cheat day. I have decided to do a six meal/snack schedule a day watching calories and carb/protein intake and one cheat day per week. It is my version of the fit for life (or maybe it is fit for life I am still researching) I want to get a way from food obsession but maybe first i need to just get into a food routine then the rest will be easier. I am hoping. And here are the pictures of the books I am going to read to also help with my head and eating obsession/compulsion.

First I am reading this one. I have already highlighted some great snippets and plan to share when I get more into it.

And this one I plan on reading next.

It is the authors latest and she will be on Oprah soon. I think at the beginning of May. She has some rules you have to follow to be free of food obsession and I will post those too another day. I am still trying to incorporate them. :D

So the first day was an ok day. I am happy to have recovered and stayed way on track today! Let us pray for tomorrow too. :D

** this was edited as I realized once I portioned out what was leftover from the tuna pouch that I ate more then I thought. So it added oh and I had some more tomatoes after I posted. I love cherry tomatoes and really they are good for you so worth the calories I think :D Made my late night cravings fairly guilt free. THough still annoyed I even get them!

Day 1

Had some successes and fails. And a lot of reflection on my fears and on what is making me want to emotionally eat. I will start with the successes

- I did awesome in the morning. Fiber rich oatmeal and canadian bacon the total on stats was

calories: 220 fat: 3.5 Carbs 35 and sugar 7 and it was filling.

- I kept telling myself no to a flavored coffee from starbucks or McD;s... just say no to mochas and frappes needs to be my motto. I just kept thinking of the number on the scale and it made it easier to say no.

- I still did a late night snack BUT it was healthy with PB and an apple. So I am marking as a success :D

Fails (and these are only to claim them not to beat myself up with them!)

-My first mid snack was decent with a luna bar but I had a banana and both together was too filling. and not sure the calorie intake as my hubby and I decided to road trip unexpectantly and it got me all off kilter. I will have to plan better for any situation I think.

- Had mexican for lunch from a restratraunt and could have made a better food choice. It was good though so that is something :D lol

- I had a late snack. I put this on the list as I want to get away from eating late. But it just seems in front of the tv or even reading a book my head tells my stomach it is hungry. And I sit and say no then the hunger begins to feel real. I really need to figure this out it has to be psychological!

- The number on the scale was an epic fail. I am hoping some of it was women's bloating but still to get that high is more then bloat alone. It is so sucky I don't even want to say it. But I should just to dispell and claim it (I think claim it is my new motto here lol) it read 202. I haven't weight that much in a year. I worked so hard to have a number under 200 that I almost killed myself (I spent a week in ICU after my original GBP surgery went wrong it was crazy and a long story for another day) and am not exaggerating. So again EPIC FAIL! bluck

I do have some crazy stress going on (not ot make huge excuses but the truth) I am about to run out of unemployment benefits and I am to start a new job BUT it is taking awhile to get vetted (it is a state job and you have to have a lot of crediantial for it. IE so many credits of certain college classes, references etc) I am hoping to start next week but haven't gotten a formal you are hired letter so I am starting to panic and being an emotional eater that is not good for me and wanting lose weight. :(

I am doing some researching and trying to find the right mix for me. I want to follow a plan but I want to be able to be spontaneous too (like yesterday) but I don't want to use that excuse to make poor choices. I am hoping these two books will help. (I will try and upload an image later see rant below :D) Both by Geenen Roth "WHen Food is Love" and "Women food and God" I hope to get a lot of info from this book on how to overcome my food addiction. Which I know I firmly have.

Also I have gleemed a ton of information from a blog I stumbled upon from another favorite blog of mine. You can find it at http://mealsandmoves.wordpress.com/ and she is currently giving away some coupons for a drink I have no idea it is about but it seems super good for you. I wouldn't know where to find it in my small town but if I get a coupon I will hunt for it. So wish me luck. :D And check her out. She is doing this Fit for Life plan and it seems practical and something I am planning on incorporating into my eating lifestyle (the new name instead of diet.. you like? :D )

Sorry couldn't upload images stupid blogger! GRRR !

FEAR!

Here I am at another attempt to keep my weight under control. Sadly I even did Gastric Bypass which worked wonders as I lost over half my weight. The issue is I don't want to be a failure statistic. Where you do something so drastic and you fail and gain it back.





Thinking of all that I just realized I am so full of FEAR!

























Wow writing this I honestly just had a break through... and I think that is my number one issue.
I am fearful of ...

• Failing
• succeeding
• of actually have a thin figure (I don't know what thin is like)
• of the scale
• of reading my old live journal I had when I was at the hardest part of GBS
• of my binges
• of looking in the mirror to eat (hope to explain one day)

I think the list can go one but the first two are the biggest issues. How does one stay content and on track sitting in between two polar opposites? I think that is the question of the day!