Bluck

I am so beyond disgusted with myself! I am scared to get on the scale. I know by the way my clothes feel it isn’t good. I am trying very hard not to beat myself up. BUT IT IS HARD! I know I can do better and I know I WANT better. I just have to figure it out. I have still been reading healthy food blogs and they are inspirational. Sadly a couple of them are people with anorexia past problems (which I believe all food issues are inter-related and similar) how they are coping and I sadly think I wish I had their problem. My mind thinks it is better to starve yourself to death in society then be fat. The logic part of my brain thinks how dumb that is and I normally agree in general BUT I when I allow myself a pity party when reading these blogs (which I do think are inspirational) I am jealous of their issues.

I just ate a decent meal then bloated myself on watermelon and I sit here typing this feeling like the watermelon will come up my espohogus because I ate so much!!  F**k F**k F**K! So mad at myself.

Interesting insight that I am not sure what to do with as the fat me wants to ignore it. (I need to find a way to shut her up as she is very loud!) I had my blood work which meant I had to fast (for low blood sugar not diabetes – just it’s twin cousin) and work the overnight so from 7 pm to 9:15 am the next morning i didn’t eat. Overnights at work are usually boring and time can drag as we just watch the youth sleep. I took a full inventory of my work facilities pantry and prepped tomorrow’s meals. I am not sure if I shared this but I work for a youth home for boys 12-17. We have a cook but she has been on leave due to medical issues so the social workers (me being one of them) have been having to do the cooking. I enjoy it but a lot do not. So for the meals I made jello, tator tot casserole and apple crisp. I am amazed to say I only temporarily felt tempted to eat. But the want to have blood tests that were accurate was more important. Why can’t I do that all the time!!?? Why can’t I find the motivation all the time? So tonight I am going to try and figure it out. Last night went fast due to being busy tonight (thankfully I just have two in a row this week) I am not so sure it will be that easy. I have less to do.

anyway I wanted to touch base for my sake really and write down where I am right now plotting on changing and finding it hard to make the first step.