Go Away You stinking Funk!

SO I am off the wagon and the only thing saving me is I don't have a lot of cruddy food in the house. BUt I want it! I know I will fail over and over again. But I didn't even go a week! I can make a ton of excuses... bad timing (financial stress, work stress, TOM) but there is always timing issues. So I have decided this is my last day and I am going to commit to the BFL thing. 12 weeks that is all. And I am going to use this epic fail to learn something. I read a little more of the When Food is Love book. Here are some quotes that really hit home.

Page three of introduction, "Eating is a metaphor for the way we live; it is also a metaphor for the way we love. Excessive fantasizing, creating drama, the need to be in control, and wanting what is forbidden are behaviors that block us from finding joy in food or relationships. And some of the same guidlines that enable us to break free from compulsive behavior -- leraning to stay in the present, beginning to value ourselves now, giving the huntry child wihinus a voice trusting our physical and emotional hungers, and teaching ourselves to receive pleasure -- enable us to be intimate with another person."

Page four of introduction, "Diets don't work because food and weight are the syptoms not the problems." This is a money shot as so true. Isn't it sad how we know these things but it takes some third party person/book to make it hit home!

It then says. "The focus on weight provides a convenient and culturally reinforced distraction from the reasons why so many people use food when they are not hungry. These reasons are more complex than -- and will never be solved with -- willpower, counting calories, and excercise. They have to do with neglect, lack of trust, lack of love, sexual abuse, physical abuse, unexpressed rage, grief, being the object of discrimination protenction from getting hurt again. People abuse themselves with food because they dont' know they deserve better!" This sentence in red is another money shot and so true to me. I tell my friends who come to me for advice -- don't you want better! -- now why can't I do this for myself? Why is it always easier to defend and stick up for other people we care for and love but NOT ourselves???

Just a couple more as I haven't gotten that far in the book. Here is another sentence that feels so true from chapter 1 page 15. "Compulsion is despair on an emotional level." I get this and it clicks. I am an emtional eater because I despair and I feel this will fill that void BUT IT NEVER DOES! so the despair goes on.

So one more Money shot sentence for today on page 19 of chapter 1. "Compulsive behavior, at its most fundamental, is a lack of self-love; it is an expression of a belief that we are not good enough." Wow... this is all so true but now the struggle is to take it in and improve myself on it. I can say i get it and it clicks but I have to absorb it!

The thing I realized this morning after a rough night of dreams of someone in my past is I am lonely. I am either compulsively thinking of food or a situation from the past that I can't control and the continued guilt I feel from it. I know this is vague but this does go out over the airwaves so I have to be vague. BUt I also think everyone has these situations. And they haunt us. It makes me realize that even in a house full of people who do love me. I am lonely. I grew up lonely and I learned at a young age to think of myself as always lonely. How do I overcome this lonliness that is eating me alive on the inside and making me show it on the outside with my unhealthy eating habits? So I will leave it at that and let that be my question of the day.

UGH

Alright it is almost noon and I have told myself I have to post. I have promised myself to post everyday to keep accountable. I moved to where I live over a year ago but have not made that many friends and not friends who need to lose weight and can help me be accountable. SO blogland is it for me which really I am ok wtih my DH doesn't understand but then he is 13 years older then me :D I do feel a connection out there even if I have no followers right now. Again I am ok with this as I don't feel I need to prove anything and can be candid when it is just me. So I am still failing though not epically. It was just downhill last night with these nuts I bought at the festival this weekend. WHy do I sabatoge myself and those stupid things weren't cheap. Why I had to buy the largest size is beyond me and then lie to myself I will only eat them on my free day!

I am a total liar! GRRRR

So I am plugging in another day of a generic calorie count of 2000 calories. THe other issue is I am emotionally eating. I have to keep track of my TOM (Time of the Month) because this is totally a trigger for me to binge/emotionally eat. I am putting stupid stress on myself I don't need and I need to read that Geneen Roth book! But it goes back to being scared. But i am not giving up. This is just a bump in the road and I am going to do better. ONe day I will be closer to getting this and if I never do I have to accept trying to get it is acceptable. Does that make sense? So I allowed my misery (and really just being a drama queen though I do have some real issues going on mainly financial) to enable me to make bad choices. I am going to make myself read that book today and take a step closer to figureing out how I tick and make adjustments accordingly.

Does anyone else out there have these issues and if so how do you deal with TOM?

Epic Fail – day 7

My day was off from the beginning. Sundays is usually pancake breakfast for the boys (I have three nine, seven, and three). I had decided not to take part in it as it doesn’t fit into my BFL eating. I didn’t feel like researching a high protein pancake. The problem was we were out of instant pancake list so I got out our betty crocker cook book and the only thing easy in it was waffles. Man it was easy and they looked good so I decided I would have half of one (as the calories on it wasn’t too bad) and would use my protein powder to make a cream for syrup and a banana.    

The upper left is the batter itself. The left is the protein shake with a little bit of soy milk, cinnamon, and vanilla. I think I should have left out the extra vanilla as the jay robb protein is tasty without the extra.  Doesn't that waffle look yummy. And it really was!

This was also eaten later then 7 (which is if I stay on schedule I should eat first) it was closer to 8 or a little after. So when ten rolled around I felt I should save my calories since I had just eaten fairly recently. I think this is where it all started going down hill.  I felt hungry sooner then my next eating time (after the usual 10 I skipped 12-1230 is next) so I had some tuna pickles and cherry tomatoes.

And then after going to the grocery store I felt hungry sooner then my usual time again.  See a pattern here! grrr. So I ate again. Then we had a dinner planned at my parents house. I made a tex mex lasagna and everyone loved it. I loved it also but had way to big of a piece. The next issue was there is something about my parents house that makes me want to eat junk. I swear everything that lives in there gets fat. The people and the animals. My mom isn’t plump by any means but she does struggle from time to time. She is a thin emotional eater but she has better genetics then me I think.  I take after my Dad I think genetically. So I had a PB bar then a sugar free pop (which is sodium and didn’t even taste good) then came home and had some candied nuts and chips. It was like an emotional downward spiral. And of course I didn’t feel like exercising plus I mismanaged time all day and procrastinate on school work that had to be done. *&#$@!$ I was and am not a happy camper. Plus the scale this morning reflected the salt and lack of water intake this am. But I know see the errors I made and all I can do is take them in mind for the future and move on and try again. I am an emotional food addict. Three days of being on track does not mean I am cured! I can never get cocky.

Has there been times when you thought you had overcome something emotionally just to find out you hadn’t?