When?

When do I become a real adult and stop the ridiculous? I sit here in pain from what I now think is gas. I am embarrassed to write that but it is the truth. The pain is better but it was pretty horrific a half hour ago. It made me so scared that I had kinked my bowel again that I am in a head spin on how messed up my eating habits are and how I almost died for them once before. DO I DIE FROM THEM AGAIN? Right now in the moment I feel I could.

Let me get real with myself! I have gained thirty pounds in less then two years and 25 of it in the last ten months. I feel I need to decide if I learn to cope with my job (that seems to be a lot of my issues as it is uber stressful) or quit. As much as I want to go back to the days I didn’t work that is not an option. And I have managed to derail my momentum to get the degree that would give me my dream job. So I am stuck in this stressful self hating loop. How do I get back to where my subconscious doesn’t run my eating habits? I would love to do that Geneen Roth intuitive eating … how do I get there?

I think my fear of reading my journal blog from when I was loosing is a sign of my fear, anger, and disappointment in putting on the weight. I think I need to make myself read it but I am no longer that person… in a short few months I have went back to the self loathing over eating Angela I never wanted to be again. I know I will read how much freedom I had and how much I love not working each minute about food. I WANT THAT FREEDOM BACK … how do I get it?

So 21 days to make a habit. I claim this as day one. I had some good things happen where I told myself no to eating some frosting I had left over at work. Said yes to a strawberry daiquiri after work that lead to a sugar issue that lead to me eating a half box of cookie crunch which lead to me in pain (which I am now oddly thankful to God about) Writing this out has made me feel calmer and more in control. I do think this blog can be a great tool for me to get some stress out. I can easily say I am lonely here since moving to Missouri, coupled with my job unhappiness, and a son with a brain tumor has opened up to a perfect storm of regression for me. Hell, I even have insane thoughts of wishing my problem was drugs instead of food. At least it would be easier to look better (in my messed up mind anyway).

Tomorrow I am going to sit down and make a menu for me. I just simply work better with no choices in food. Even if this means I eat differently then the people at work (part of my job is to eat not so healthy state funded food at a state ran rehabilitation center). I need to put myself before saving money and convenience. It is 21 days until a family vacation of Walt Disney World so there will be a reward at the end of all this and I do believe I will be able to have a better time knowing I am healthier then being self conscious about the weight I have gained and how I look.