When?

When do I become a real adult and stop the ridiculous? I sit here in pain from what I now think is gas. I am embarrassed to write that but it is the truth. The pain is better but it was pretty horrific a half hour ago. It made me so scared that I had kinked my bowel again that I am in a head spin on how messed up my eating habits are and how I almost died for them once before. DO I DIE FROM THEM AGAIN? Right now in the moment I feel I could.

Let me get real with myself! I have gained thirty pounds in less then two years and 25 of it in the last ten months. I feel I need to decide if I learn to cope with my job (that seems to be a lot of my issues as it is uber stressful) or quit. As much as I want to go back to the days I didn’t work that is not an option. And I have managed to derail my momentum to get the degree that would give me my dream job. So I am stuck in this stressful self hating loop. How do I get back to where my subconscious doesn’t run my eating habits? I would love to do that Geneen Roth intuitive eating … how do I get there?

I think my fear of reading my journal blog from when I was loosing is a sign of my fear, anger, and disappointment in putting on the weight. I think I need to make myself read it but I am no longer that person… in a short few months I have went back to the self loathing over eating Angela I never wanted to be again. I know I will read how much freedom I had and how much I love not working each minute about food. I WANT THAT FREEDOM BACK … how do I get it?

So 21 days to make a habit. I claim this as day one. I had some good things happen where I told myself no to eating some frosting I had left over at work. Said yes to a strawberry daiquiri after work that lead to a sugar issue that lead to me eating a half box of cookie crunch which lead to me in pain (which I am now oddly thankful to God about) Writing this out has made me feel calmer and more in control. I do think this blog can be a great tool for me to get some stress out. I can easily say I am lonely here since moving to Missouri, coupled with my job unhappiness, and a son with a brain tumor has opened up to a perfect storm of regression for me. Hell, I even have insane thoughts of wishing my problem was drugs instead of food. At least it would be easier to look better (in my messed up mind anyway).

Tomorrow I am going to sit down and make a menu for me. I just simply work better with no choices in food. Even if this means I eat differently then the people at work (part of my job is to eat not so healthy state funded food at a state ran rehabilitation center). I need to put myself before saving money and convenience. It is 21 days until a family vacation of Walt Disney World so there will be a reward at the end of all this and I do believe I will be able to have a better time knowing I am healthier then being self conscious about the weight I have gained and how I look.

grrrrr

why is it i buy a candy bar i don’t need then devour it and i can’t even remember the taste! isn’t the taste the reason for it? in truth the impulse is… sadly … and now i am left with empty madness and self loathing AND wanting another to taste. Blah!!

Even though i have a lot to post i need to be in a better mind place to share… so i am hoping that will be later or tomorrow… i do want to start blogging again regularly… get on a motivation train! i need it bad for sure in the mean time i wanted to share this moment as a reminder of my disordered eating!

28 day challenge

I know yesterday's post I was down about reading so many blogs of successful healthy eating folks. But today I have a praise and I hope it serves as a reminder to why I do love those blogs so much. One that is my favorite is http://amerrylife.com/ She is realistic and struggling and not some perfect model shape. She has bad days and good and she shares them all. I love that freshness and honesty. She was given a program called rebel fitness to critique (lucky girl got it for free I am jealous lol) you can go to her website right now for the review. She was fair with pros and cons. It was enough to get me curious. The blog for rebel fitness is here http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/ (man I miss live writer :( ho hum) and I haven't had a chance to look at it a ton... I did join the community which is free because the blog post encourged me to join a 28 day challenge. This is perfect I need a challenge for sure. What was super neat about it is he asks for two to be health challenges and one to be lifestyle. So mine are...

1) to drink 8 glasses of water a day
2) excercise 5 out of 7 days a week
3) purge my house of un-needed items

So far I have already started the third one strong as I have some books to take to the local re-sell shop!

Now to a quick update on yesterday and how I did.... for my weekly goal of excercise -- epic fail as I did not make it. Not to use an excuse but honestly I tried all afternoon to get the test to load I mentioned. I finally had to do it when I got home last night after midnight. Thankfully the online schools website is two hours behind me! Now I am just worried a D is not passing (Yeah not proud but considering it was math and I had computer issues I am ok with it as long as the school does find it passing. I think they do but I am waiting for confirmation) My GPA is strong so I will still graduate with an A average. Yea me! :D I digress. I did not make it but I will today after dinner. I promised myself. The fluid front was a solid B as I did not have any sugary drinks but didn't get all fluids as actual water. Only half. And the weighing so far is an A as I have done it three days in a row and it is working as a reminder of what I need to do for sure! I was terrified to look at the scale today I had myself almost talked out of it but decided I can't keep being an ostrich. SO I did it and it went a smidgen down and I wasn't naked this am :D SO I am happy I did it. Today I am trying some intuitive eating but so far once I hit 10:30 i have been hungry the whole time. I need to get my stomach/brain re-conditioned to really knowing my hunger triggers. That might take research and for sure time. I might make that a next week goal. :D

Q. What would your 28 day challenges be?

I am doing this

So I weighed myself this am because I am committed to my goals (I was going to say trying to be commited but I am also trying to remove the word try out of my vocubulary... you either do or don't right?) It was not pretty as it went up. I am hoping my tom starts pronto so I can see a downward movement. But my goals are still doable so I am good. :D

I plan on going to the gym after my test for my final bachlor's class (and one less stress as long as I pass) and a yummy labor day fest :D I work tonight which is a sore spot as I want to snack by the end of the night and I work until midnight so there is about two hours at the end I don't do much as the youth (I am a therapist rehabbing youth who are in state custody due to drugs or sexual offenses, truancy etc) go to bed usually by ten.

So the question of the day is if anyone has suggestions on how to avoid late night cravings!

UGH ...

I don't even want to tell you what the scale read. First I was never going to let myself see 200 lbs again and now i have somehow allowed it to say 209.6! I have to stop. I can't keep going up. My lose clothes are getting tight and I want to be proud of myself. But it is so damn hard to get my mind straight. I switched to zoloft and I felt it was working but then I hit the PMS wall and found myself mindless not thinking eating!

I do feel I am an OCD eater. But I also wonder if I am trying to find some excuse for me to be food obsessed. Two days ago I was stuck on this thought that I said no to some trail mix a co-worker offered and I was freaking out why didn't I eat it! WHAT THE HELL!! How bizarre is that but I do that often. I have this feeling if I don't eat it I will never get to eat it and it scares me or some emotion close to that. Maybe more like makes me paranoid. Weird Weird Weird!

And I am way stressed about work, school, money, family. You name it right now I have it. I scour blogs trying to find some solution but all I see is people succeeding and me not. People without children and a husband or BF who doesn't mind eating healthier. It just depresses me more.

So this morning I am stopping the cycle. I am keeping the number in my mind and setting goals. Maybe clear goals will help me. So this week I will
1. Weight myself every day. I know people say not too but for me it forces me to stay on task and not forget my desires to be healthier.
2. Drink 10 oz of water/fluids a day. This will include no soda or sugary drinks.
3. Go to the gym 5 days this week.

I want to have more goals but I don't want to over do it. Setting these goals makes me feel confident that I can be successful. :D I feel so elated I decided to blog today :D

Q. Do any of you feel better when you blog and get these worries off your chest?

Dying to be thin…

Sorry I haven’t been blogging much I have not been eating right. I am finally feeling like I can get back to figuring out how to stop my compusive eating. I have been on Zoloft for two days which I researched and I think it should help and has been. It is for OCD and depression and Anxiety all three that I have. So to get back in the grove I have joined a book club for Geneen Roth’s Women Food and God. I finished my last Geenen Roth book which I hope to share my thoughts on in the future.

I currently follow several health blogs (It is comforting I am not alone) and one blog i have found interesting is this one. Christie Inge, HHC does intuitive eating to stop her compulsive eating. It is fascinating and she is an inspiration. Please join the book club she is only on the first chapter so still time to join. This below is my post in the book club forum.

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I had a near death experience when my gastric bypass went wrong. Here I was dying to be thin literally. After years as a teen and twenties praying to be instantly skinny and I promised i would then take care of my body and maintain my skinny exterior I could do it just if he would poof me into perfection. It never happened and when I was almost 400 lbs with three young children I was too embarrassed to take to walmart or leave my house and a husband who told me my belly was in the way to be intimate (he was not rude about it and married me as a chubby 280 lb women so it wasn't an attraction issue) I had reached rock bottom. It seemed God had opened up the chance to get this surgery within two months I was on the table when most people wait months/years. the first surgery went find then I had a complication and my bowel kinked and my new stomach opened. They didn't know about the bowel so an emergency one hour surgery took four and I woke up with a unsteady heart rate and high temp. I was in ICU for two weeks. I finally recovered slowly and didn’t eat for a month that first month I lost 50 lbs.Feeding yourself through a stomach feeding tube one would think would make you so done with food. Sadly our mind forgets things very easily or stuffs it in the back to hide it. I have a lot of issues to work out still with my guilt on an elective surgery that almost took me from my kids. The stereotype of fat is lazy, unmotivated, selfish and I felt all those why did I have to be so lazy. I have since lost 170 plus lbs and feel amazing even though I not a size 8  at two years. after the honeymoon phase was over from the surgery my son got a brain tumor and the emotional eating started again. I am just now a year after that trying to work through and get myself back on track. I just finished Geenen's Food is love (I think that is the title) and it made great sense to me. A ton of things i highlighted and now I am onto this one (just in time for the book club). I want to make the changes and be a success I now realize I have to deal with the emotions in my mind to do that. So the point of this babble is I do believe in God and I think he saved me in many ways but I am still praying for a "cure" to have the mind of a naturally thing non compulsive eater women. I am not sure this prayer can ever be answered.

Q. Have you have prayed for some kind of miracle you knew was impossible?

Bluck

I am so beyond disgusted with myself! I am scared to get on the scale. I know by the way my clothes feel it isn’t good. I am trying very hard not to beat myself up. BUT IT IS HARD! I know I can do better and I know I WANT better. I just have to figure it out. I have still been reading healthy food blogs and they are inspirational. Sadly a couple of them are people with anorexia past problems (which I believe all food issues are inter-related and similar) how they are coping and I sadly think I wish I had their problem. My mind thinks it is better to starve yourself to death in society then be fat. The logic part of my brain thinks how dumb that is and I normally agree in general BUT I when I allow myself a pity party when reading these blogs (which I do think are inspirational) I am jealous of their issues.

I just ate a decent meal then bloated myself on watermelon and I sit here typing this feeling like the watermelon will come up my espohogus because I ate so much!!  F**k F**k F**K! So mad at myself.

Interesting insight that I am not sure what to do with as the fat me wants to ignore it. (I need to find a way to shut her up as she is very loud!) I had my blood work which meant I had to fast (for low blood sugar not diabetes – just it’s twin cousin) and work the overnight so from 7 pm to 9:15 am the next morning i didn’t eat. Overnights at work are usually boring and time can drag as we just watch the youth sleep. I took a full inventory of my work facilities pantry and prepped tomorrow’s meals. I am not sure if I shared this but I work for a youth home for boys 12-17. We have a cook but she has been on leave due to medical issues so the social workers (me being one of them) have been having to do the cooking. I enjoy it but a lot do not. So for the meals I made jello, tator tot casserole and apple crisp. I am amazed to say I only temporarily felt tempted to eat. But the want to have blood tests that were accurate was more important. Why can’t I do that all the time!!?? Why can’t I find the motivation all the time? So tonight I am going to try and figure it out. Last night went fast due to being busy tonight (thankfully I just have two in a row this week) I am not so sure it will be that easy. I have less to do.

anyway I wanted to touch base for my sake really and write down where I am right now plotting on changing and finding it hard to make the first step.